The Surfin’ Dad

As promised, here (in my opinion) are the best tips to help you avoid getting a ticket. Again, I can only vouch for the “good” cops as I’m not able to think like a “bad” cop. Additionally, cops are human and sometimes you’re subject to harsher treatment because of a prior call, problems at home, menstrual cycle, etc.

I’m not going to get into the whole “Don’t speed and you won’t get a ticket” discussion as it is too much of a “duh!” thought process. Let’s just assumed that you did something and you’ve already been pulled over.

I also need to establish the caveat that sometimes the officer has zero discretion. If we’re out there at the direction of our supervisor due to resident complaints or accidents, we’ve probably been told that it’s “zero tolerance.” That essentially means everybody gets a ticket “period” or you face the wrath of your supervisor.

Here, as a police officer, are my tips on how to greatly improve your odds on not getting cited:

• Pick a safe place to pull over and pull over as quickly as possible
  • By “safe” I don’t mean in the middle of an intersection, the middle lane of a 3 lane highway, or just over a hill. We know you’re probably freaking out when we light you up, so it’s okay to slow down, put your blinker on, and pull off the road as much as possible as soon as possible.
  • We’re also cognizant of the fact that if it’s night time or a very rural area and you’re a female you may be looking for a well lit place. We might be ticked that you took so long to stop, but just explain why and we’ll understand.
  • Don’t try to make it home or to the safety of your “hood.” That makes it more dangerous for us and severely impacts our jovial disposition.
  • BONUS: Pulling under a covering when it’s raining

• Move around as little as possible
  • Some people recommend unbuckling your seat belt, putting your keys on the dashboard, turning on your interior light, and all kinds of other nonsense. Personally, I’d rather you just leave both hands on the steering wheel and sit tight. I have enough light for the both of us and if I’d like for you to do anything else I’ll ask you. This also includes not looking for your paperwork until I get up there and ask for it.
  • By all means, STAY IN YOUR CAR!! I can’t stress that enough and yet I’m shocked at the number of people that ignore this rule. If you hop out of your car, more than likely I will have my weapon drawn and pointed at you before you are completely upright. The faster you come out of there, the closer my finger is to the trigger. If I want you out of the car, I’ll tell you.
  • BONUS: Not having dark tinted windows, junk blocking your rear window, or very high vehicles.

• Answer my questions truthfully
  • I always ask if you know why I pulled you over. If you just answer honestly and correctly you’ve increased your odds 50%. The reason is that I ticket to educate, and if you say you don’t know why I stopped you that means you’re either lying to me or ignorant of basic traffic laws. Either way, it’s time for some “skoolun.”
  • There’s almost always some level of discretion. Maybe I don’t have any discretion on citing you, but I usually have discretion on writing additional tickets, towing your car, or arresting you versus citing you. If you waste my time, I’m going to waste your money.
  • BONUS: Carry your current registration and insurance (and whatever else your state requires) in a ziploc bag taped to the inside of your glovebox or some other fixed location.
• Don’t argue with me
  • I’m not trying to sound cocky, but don’t argue with me. I wouldn’t have stopped you if I didn’t think you committed the offense. If I didn’t think compliance was important, I probably wouldn’t have stopped you. I don’t write the traffic laws so don’t try to convince me that they’re stupid.
  • Tell your passenger(s) to stay out of it. You’re the driver and if I’m interested in talking with anyone else in the car I’ll talk to them. If you’re driving around some mouthy friends that’s going to make things harder on you.
  • Don’t ever make me any offers, whether they are financial, sexual, whatever. This includes leaning forward, unbuttoning a few buttons, and making eyes at me. I consider my work a privilege and an honorable purpose, don’t insult me by assuming I’m crooked.
  • BONUS: Apologize for the offense
• Don’t raise the stakes or try to be “cool”
  • It’s usually just a traffic ticket, don’t try and make it worse.
  • If you try to run, or I’ll either catch you, impound your car, arrest you, or hopefully all three.
  • If you refuse to give me your name, I’ll arrest as John or Jane Doe until I find out who you are.
  • If you give me a friends name because you don’t have a license, I’ll find out when I pull their picture up on my in car computer. Yeah, we can do that now and if you lie to me because your license is no good you’re going to jail.
  • If you refuse to sign your citation, not a problem. I’ll just impound and tow your car. Don’t worry, I’ll be giving you a ride to your new destination.

I don’t mean to come across as overly harsh or a big bully, I just want to lay it out clearly for you and save you a lot of grief.

Use your common sense and be willing to accept the consequences for your actions. No one likes getting tickets (including me!), and I don’t like writing them, but I do like to correct behavior that I know could cause you harm or grief down the road.

As always, comments and questions are welcome.

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